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October 30, 2010 / paperkids

Treasure hunt

Many months ago, before Emma began communicating, I sat across from my friend Renee at lunch.  We talked about life and our passions.  I wasn’t sure I had much passion left in me to be honest.  I was, and have for years, been consumed by this thing called autism.  I suppose it could have been considered a passion of mine in a way.  Renee has been the best friend and mentor,  also having a child with autism.  I mean, I didn’t even know what a blog was until she showed me one!  She has a blog for her photography, which is not just her business, but also her passion.  I remember saying that I would have no idea what to blog about.  These were some hard times for me.  I told her that if I ever did start one,  maybe it could be about how I saw God in my life every day….that maybe that would help me through the tough times and remind me of love and to keep my hope alive.  I guess I never did write that blog….or did I?

I thought of this conversation the other night when Emma once again astounded me with her depth.  I’ve been wanting to use the keyboard on the dynavox, but now she’s so used to the touch screen on the ipad that she’s not able to push on the dynavox screen hard enough.  This flustered me.  It felt like one more obstacle getting in the way of my ultimate mission – complete independence for Emma.

I had decided to attach the keyboard to her dynavox, which is something I’ve been trying out because she would be able to hear the words she types.   We sat on the couch and  found a great position with the keyboard on Emma’s lap tilted up.  She reached and found the keys, pressing them down with such amazing precision that it really took me by surprise!  And I was just barely holding her arm below the elbow.

Emma:  Quit worrying

Don’t assume as we go on a treasure hunt that we won’t find treasure

are you worried

Um, More like speechless once again!  Her words take me to some other place that  makes me wonder why I was worried at all.  She was even self-editing with the backspace when she made a mistake.  And she was using the spacebar!

Me:  “Not really…not anymore, I’m not.”   It couldn’t have been any more true in that moment, but I had been worried before…and would be worried again.  I’m always worried!  And before that moment, I was concerned when I saw that she couldn’t hit the letters on the dynavox.  I felt panicky and thought once again to myself “What if she isn’t able to do this?!  What if no one believes her?  What if I can’t get her to that level?”

Me:  “Are you worried?”

Emma:  no

Me:  “Do you ever worry?”

Emma:  yes   (she went on)  understandably reasoning is yearning to please the usual people

I was fairly silent through all this – what could I say?  She kept typing….

Emma:  are you yearning to twist your world apart

This question struck me.  Not only was she asking me so many questions, but they were profound.

Emma: applaud the will of God any time you worry

This was such a simple yet powerful message to me.  If I was trying to hold back my tears, I did not succeed.

Me:  “Sometimes, I feel like God speaks through you, Emma.  Do you ever feel that way?”

Emma:  yes

Me:  “He lives inside you doesn’t he?”

Emma:  yes

I felt my heart melting.  It  filled with such a warmth and peace that it washed away all that worry.  What is it all for anyway?, I asked myself.

I asked her if I could share this “chat” on our blog and she typed “yes”.

Me:  “What should we call this entry?”

Emma:  treasure hunt

Me:  “I like that.  What photo should we put with it?”

Emma:  haggard ropes treasure in a chest.

I am so humbled by this journey.  In the midst of all my internal chaos and stress, I find that every day when I look at Emma, I see the face of God – I hear that voice beckoning me through Emma’s fingertips – calling me to another place.   Treasures without end.

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10 Comments

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  1. Lynn States / Oct 30 2010 11:07 pm

    Astounding imagery! Encouraging words from both of you!

  2. molly / Oct 30 2010 11:14 pm

    This is the sweetest thing Ive ever heard ! So much love, so much care – beautiful!!!

  3. ashley h / Oct 31 2010 12:13 am

    beautiful. she has such a vocabularya!

  4. Candy / Oct 31 2010 1:19 am

    You’re our real treasure, Emma! You continue to enrich us with your words of wisdom. Thank you.

  5. Melissa / Oct 31 2010 2:35 am

    Wow….I’m going to put this line “applaud the will of God any time you worry” on my FB status…and credit you, Emma! I hope your words echo throughout the land as they have throughout my heart….so many of us need to be reminded to see the world through your fresh eyes 🙂

  6. gloria cassidy / Oct 31 2010 4:04 am

    I am being changed by what I am learning from you. My world, as I have been experiencing it, is being torn apart. I’m better for it. I want to live in hope. Your blog is pushing me out of a comfort zone that I no longer fit in.
    Thank you

  7. karen / Oct 31 2010 1:58 pm

    I think, Emma, that your speechlessness is a gift to the rest of us…were you to state these thoughts as quickly as they come to you, the rest of us could never catch up! And we need to hear/read your words! Thank you, sweetie, for the sacrifice of going slowly enough for those of us less profound and in need of your wisdom and understanding.

  8. Sarah / Oct 31 2010 11:58 pm

    “applaud the will of God any time you worry”
    I needed to hear that today!

  9. Grandma / Nov 1 2010 3:57 am

    Applause to you – your courage, determination, passion. Love to you, as always.

  10. Rhea / Nov 6 2010 12:48 am

    Emma, reading this entry brought me peace today.

    Today, like many other days, I beat myself up over the goals I haven’t accomplished yet and the subsequent time that I’ve wasted. I often made the mistake of forcing things to happen before I was ready or before the time was right… and the result never ended up being what it was supposed to be. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that “timing is everything.” Thank you for reminding me that ultimately it is really God’s timing or will that matters and not my own.

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