And now these three thing remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. – Corinthians 13:13
I never could have imagined six months ago that I would know Emma as I do now. My God! How could I ever have concieved it? In all my entries, I don’t know that I’ve been able to fully express the joy it has brought me. Words themselves have taken on a a whole new meaning for me. I see them pour out through Emma’s fingertips and every single time it feels a little like the first time. These words have filled up my life and left behind only all that is possible.
After all these years of her silence, it is my desire above all else to just listen to her. And what she says could never fail my heart, not even if it might be hard to hear.
Emma: Would you stop writing the blog?
I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. We sat on the couch and I just wasn’t sure what to say.
Me: “Emma, why? Do you really want to stop the blog?”
Me: “But why?”
Emma: I am trying to be a part of this world
I think even before she typed this out, I began to feel this from her. Autism has been her whole life for so long. For all these years, she was defined by that word. And now I could see more clear than ever – she is a nine year old girl who really wants to learn how to ride a bike and be a part this new world that has opened up to her.
Me: “I think I understand. Are you sure?”
I continued to question her in the week that followed. It was hard to swallow the idea of saying goodbye to this experience.
Emma: I want to move on
quit asking me about the blog
Me: “Okay! Alright. But you will let me know if you change your mind, right?”
Emma: yes but I won’t
Her matter of factness, which is a personality trait that I really admire in her, was somehow comforting and eased my sadness somewhat over the whole thing. I realized that one of the things I love the most about writing this blog is documenting this time with Emma. All of our conversations and sharing this with her while getting to know her for the first time – this is what I love the most! And I will continue to have this with her no matter what happens.
Me: “Are you glad that we did the blog?”
Me: “I still want to share about this, Emma. And I will still write about autism. Our story can help other people. You know that, right?”
Me: “What if I start another blog? One that’s about our family? Would it be okay if I still share things about you?”
What more could I say? After all these years, she was telling me how she felt and what she wanted…. and I really heard her.
I put my arm around her and held her close to me.
Me: “I am so, so proud of you, Emma. I could not be any more happy or any more proud. I love you so, so much.”
Emma: I am a lucky girl
I felt such a wave of joy mixed with sadness – it was bittersweet. I looked at Emma and thought about how far she’s come in these six months. How far she’s come to draw so close to me and the life she so desperately wants to be a part of.
It took me a while to figure out how to say goodbye to this blog and all of you. I’ve spent time crying like a baby over it. You see, I’ve come to love my intimacy with you. I know that I don’t know you all, but I feel our hopes and dreams mingle. I have been able to share this powerful moment in our lives and record it in these forty entries in words that mattered to me…and even to you.
I could never call this the end, but it is just the beginning. The start of a whole new wonderful journey for Emma and our family. I have no idea where this road will take us or the obstacles that may lie ahead. But now I feel like anything is possible when you believe.
It’s been hard to get video (the iphone is pulling through, although somewhat limiting), but I wanted to get one more up. I am still having to lightly support Emma’s arm, but she has come so far that I really think she’ll reach independence in her typing.
Emma: I am a lucky gal to have this amazing experience and loved doing it.
New blog coming soon!!
To be continued…….
UPDATE: Got our new blog up! www.Murphy the Musical.com.